Where one path leads...

In my Perspectives Class, we are learning about the Christian Movement. More specifically, we are learning about every Christian's purpose, what God's will for us is. This boils down to missions. Not just missions in foreign countries, but in evangelizing so that everyone knows about God and the wonderful gift He has given us. Recently, we have touched on the topic of sharing our testimony. Now, I usually am against sharing personal information online, but after realizing that testimony's are meant to share, I started to feel a little different about it. Testimony's are important because it helps us see that we are all the same. Some think that Christians are goodie goods that mind their p's and q's but in reality, we all are human. We all mess up. My story is no different than anyone else's, I too have a past and I was raised in a Christian home! My hope is that my journey can shed some hope on yours, some insight to true Christianity, and/or a glimpse at our wonderful Savior.

So, let us start at the beginning...

Like I mentioned above, I was raised in a Christian home. My mom had me in Church when I was only a week old. My childhood memories consist of going to Church every Sunday morning and evening, Wednesday night Church, bible study, my mom's Rook games with the ladies at Church, Church potlucks, etc. I remember our Christian Church friends and the activities we would all go and do. My favorite times were at Rally's where I would come home so completely focused on God. Then, after sometime I would go through a drought. Soon, as I got older and became a teen, Church lost its interest. It became more of a social hour. It became the hour that I was not allowed to have my cell. Or the times that I would have to miss  teen class because I talked too much during worship...yes mom, I still remember those times you pulled me out of class and I had to stay behind in "adult" class. It was during these times that I started to drift.

I had always been raised to believe in God. This is an advantage and a blessing I have always had. I was raised that there is a God and that was fact. I have always believed in God and I do not know what it is like to not believe. Not believing in a Creator is not something I have had to overcome. While some may want to walk away from this testimony now thinking it's all been a cake walk, don't. Me believing in God has never been the challenge, but me loving, worshipping, caring, and obeying God...well, that's a different story.

I was raised as a believer. But, it took me awhile to love like a believer. To act like a believer. And to really be a believer. Believing in God is one thing. Most people believe in something. Whether it's God, money, a hobby, a higher power, etc. We all put our faith and hope into something. Mine has always been God. God has been just a true part of who I am. My essence knows that God exists. The tough part comes into play when it comes to KNOWING God and OBEYING Him.

Growing up, I was taught the do's and don't of religion. The right vs. wrong. The how to behave and how to look like a monster. What consisted of disobeying God and what made Him proud. I was surrounded by rules. At Church, in bible study, in class, at home, around Christian friends, etc. As I got older and become more and more aware of how often I "messed" up, I soon grew tired of going to Church and being around others who told me how displeasing I was. Who wants to put themselves in a situation where they are constantly being told they were not good enough. The things that were disobedient were the very things I would do daily. Goodness, I would commit a sin just driving to Church (hello road rage! Quick to anger always had a check mark next to it!) After feeling not good enough long enough, I eventually stopped going to Church all together. I still believed, but Sunday's were days for sleeping in. The Bible was a book that either gathered dust on the shelf or in a box. Christian music was nowhere to be found in my house. During this time, there were phases where I would not think about Church or really pray. I was involved in activities that I am not proud of and that were not the "me" that I had been.Then, there were other phases when I would feel like a part of me was missing and a part of me thirsting for something but not able to figure out what.

After a few years, I started going back to Church and attended a Church with my parents. Soon, I wanted to get more involved with the youth but that never was more than just a thought. This went on for a few years. It was not until my divorce, that things got serious in my faith. Still, even with a divorce sitting on my shoulders, I had not hit bottom yet. I started going out more and hanging out with people that were not my usual crowd. I became "wild" and adopted habits that I felt terrible about the next day. I started to get hurt over and over again by people that I knew better than to trust or to walk all over me, but I would still let it happen. I did not want to be alone for fear that the pain of the life would settle and be more than I could handle.

I am not sure at what exact point I decided to open my Bible. I had been attending a new church with a long time friend and her family and had fallen in love with the congregation there. Maybe that had something to do with it. But I think the biggest thing that had to do with my change of direction was God. I believe God can work in your life. I believe that He works in many people's lives. The key to this, however, is how YOU respond when He works in your life. You can ignore it. You can turn away from Him. You can tell Him no. Or you can say yes. Without thinking, I said yes. Without thinking, I woke up and felt like that void that I was trying to fill was not working in the ways that I was trying to fill it. So, I read a scripture. Then I closed my Bible, went about my day, and still partook in the very mistakes I that were harmful to my soul. The next day, I would open my Bible again, read a little more. Then go on with my day. This cycle went on for awhile. Soon, however, I was turning to my mom and best friend for advice and guidance. I felt like I kept messing up. How could God forgive me? How could God love me? I made choices that were disobedient to what He commanded! How could I go back to a religion that I had abandoned? How could I go back after I had turned my back on religious people I had met along my journey? I had not been friends with people who I knew were religious during my falling out with God. Why would He want me back after that? I wrestled with this for a long time. My mother and friend had a lot of emails, conversations, and text exchanges with me over the months that followed.

Finally, I decided that I was here for God. He knew what to do with my life. As I focused more on Him, I became more efficient at my job. More emotionally stable. More happy and purpose driven. The next step, I made myself get involved at Church. I signed up for Nursery. As I became more involved in Church, started attending ladies bible study, reading my Bible and praying more often, God then chose to bless me beyond what He had already given me. God gave me, my now husband, Chris. Chris was there at the beginning of my struggle and as a great friend helped me work through it. He was present for my questions and battles. And, as God would plan it, Chris became my blessing. He became my husband and one of the best things that could have ever happened to me.

As I find myself drawing more to Christ, I find Him revealing Himself more to me. There are no more coincidences in my life, just things that come from God and things that do not. As I shifted my journey back towards God, I realized that before, I was living as an employee of God, but what He wanted, and what I needed, was a relationship. God calls us to know Him, to have a relationship with Him, not to beat ourselves up when we disobey. Not to feel like we are not good enough. God gave His Son for us. God's one and only Son became human and died so that God could have a relationship with us and show us that He loves us. God knows we have messed up, are disobeying, and will continue to be disobedient, but He loves us anyways. If He did not care about us, He would have never risked His Son because otherwise what would have been the point?

Grace. Hope. Promise. Love. These are things that I was not finding when I journeyed away from God, but they are everything that I found when I redirected my paths. I know what it is like to turn away from Him and I know the price and spoils that come with that. But those do not amount to anything in comparison to the treasure's I now have through Him.